Some times

So i am going on a trip to seattle again im not really into going on this seattle trip the whole thing already is turning against what i had envisioned.  I guess that this would humble me but im never going on a trip again with mark thats for sure the whole times a competition with him to see who can gave the most power.   His pressence is more important that mine on this certain trip.  So the power is going to be given to him.  I dont know what i could do short of blowing up and becoming tired of doing the gay ass mark thing to do.  As if it was the greatest idea in history.  Cant wait to delete this motherfucker from my life forever.  Cant hang out with someone always trying to come up on everyone, or someone who thinks their the best but isnt good for shit.  Im gonna ride this one mark trip and see how the whole thing turns out  Once we et on the road it should be open communication in wich i can run the show back.  But im gonna have to see how it turns out and do it situationally. Try not to be obviouslly against them.  Just kick back and let it proceed.  I can already see mark getting his way because hes a little bitch that get unconfortable about everything and everyone wants to cater to him because their his close friends.  Im gonna head on this trip pissed at all of them.  I cant believe alia even had a role to play sheis so fucken stupid.  Just bombarded by her stupid bullshit. Fuck her.  Ice got to figure out where i want to go see.  Without quetion.  BUt now its gotta go in terms of whats going to be good with mark.  Ive gotta think in terms of how im gonna outdo him on this here trip.  There gonna try and drain me but theyll see that im not gonna go fall easily.  I hold a spark in my heart that cant be stamped out.  By anyone.  Its good to see other peoples ways though but the human empathy that i have allows me to actually play by their rules in their game.  This whole hanging out with old friends thing is stupid.  I cant wait to go to see lynnwood.

Tomorow and Yesterdays Learning

So today I sat at home and tryed a little bit to gain greater knowledge of my inner self.  I did this by breaking my 4 website routine and trying some new websites and it led to more and more funner things.  So if i can stray away and notice when i am getting into that 3 website routine i think i can get myself into wanting to search for more fun things to do.  I fucken hate when i get into my routine bullshit.  So I ended up reading the entire Catching the big fish by david Lynch.  It was really interesting to see another person point of view on how a person should be to gain greater understandings of himself and the creativity process.  I enjoy the way he writes too.  Although red aloud its not very interesting and can be repetitious in tone.  But read to myself ther eare tones of parts that are comical and there are parts with great insight and there are parts that just are interesting about the dude himself.  I think im gonna try trancendental meditation tomorow morninging.  He talks about it so much and about how important it is in his creating process.  30 mintues in the morning and thirty in the evening.  Today i learned that Quality is very important.  And i should spend more quality time and make my readings more quality reading and to learn what quality feels like.  It kind of feels pure and it feels more realer.  Its like being on the same train everyday and instead of looking out the window and doing your usual train thing that you take am oment to stop and look around.  Quality is important.  Today i also learned of the importance of knowing the inner self and being guilt free and pure.  Its important to know the inner self because from inside there you can learn who you really are and now be confused and its also self empowering to a whole bunch.  I had a good ass skating day today as well.  What i did that created the good skating was i stretch my popping leg for a good while, while i was watching a movie.  Tonite before bed im going to download david lynchs films and watch them tomorow so i have something to watch while i excercise.  Also i loosened the shoelace on my shoe which also was a good thing.  I also had a vendetta to not act like i suck at the skatepark this time which was relieveing to me because id rather skate the way i like to skate then to just act like i suck.  I have a retardation where i like to act like i suck around people who suck because i dont want that attention.  But this is bad for my progress in skating.  Other people are slowly mattering less and less to me.  ANd to me that is important because usually im uncontrollabley impressionabl.  Alia came home and i thought that my new found way of trying to rid myself of guilt and be pure was going to be destroyed by the memory of her presence as usual.  But 2 days was enough to get me into really nailing in the purity and guilt free lessons i learned.  I must add on to this learning tomorow.  Tomorow im gonna try and get up and watch one of the movies and excercise and then go to alias and then meditate and play the guitar.  Everything else is unimportant to me in life now but the music.  I also have a lot of prioritys to handle i need to call jim and i need to se eif skippers in jail.  I may skate alone tomorow.  Hopefully start skateing more in the evening.

Fucken retardations

So i was fucken completely aware of the water being on the window shelf (wich i myself would never put there) Alia put it there and its normal to do that.  BUT alas I woke up alia and went to close the window and i put my laptop down in a different spot than usual and I was just cautious about alia and then i closed the window and the fucken plastic heavy curtains knocked the water down. ITs like I always do this i always focus so hard on being careful with one thing that i fuck up the other thing and it causes some stupid ass problem.  Thank god my laptop wasnt put closer or i wouldve been out of a 1500 dollar macbook.  How fucken gay. I HAVE THIS FUCKEN RETARDATION where i cant focus on 2 things at once, and if one thing is threatening on my mind i will end up fucking up.  Its so stupid its almost unaavoudable and i cant stop myself before i do it to change my ways because its usually so sudden and uch a suprise to me when it happens.  I need to somehow figure out how to get past this fucken retardation.  It only happens when alias around i dont even know why its so fucken retarded.  Its not like id leave her because she creates this retarded thing in me, but I need to be EXTRA cautious when shes around.  I love her and i know it wasnt her fault but i need stop being to caring and not remove problems or stop myself when shes around and i see somthing that could go wrong.  When shes around i or when theres anything that has to do with her i need to be extra cautios. WHEN i feel the cautiousness tfeeling going though me when i am in the vicinity of Alia i need to  stop myself and rememver to be xtra cautious because she has some kind of wierd power to create these kinds of events.  It always happens i dont know why.  I think she thrives in enviroments where other people are having hard times and fucken making mistakes because it greater validates how much better she thinks she is than everybody so she encourages it to happen. Its fucken gross im never like this i know it has to be Alia ive already got that much down.  But even people who have wierd powers A person can still disable those weak powers.  I need to disable that power in her.  So we can have a better relationship and these things will stop happening.  It was a decent suprise id have to admit.

Picturing and memorizing and focusing on what produced good results

So I have just came to the realization that in order to produce good results and continue to produe similiar good results i have to remember what it was that prouced them for example, when i didnt have anything to do i would search up netflix and i found a bunch of interesting movies to watch and i discovered a new movie by realizes what gets me to hbearing fruits i will be able to go back to those ways to produce goods again.  It beats doing the same routine over and over facebook and all that gay shit.  So from now on I will use netflix to browse through the repetoire to find good stuff and maybe be turned onto some new things.  Its easy to fall into a viscious cycle of very low satifaction routines.  Whereas typing in this blog and netflix has produced some  rewarding things.  I endered up downloading a new book called catching the big fish by david lynch.  Today i decided to look back at lynch because it seems whenever i research him it gets me back on track because to me he is such a pure artist.  There are others and I need to avoid loosing track and just surfing the same 3 sites all the time when theres work that can be way more rewarding.  Blogspot is helping me understand myself and its helping me set a foundation for coming up with good ideas such as quality ideas.  Netflix has such a database.  Sometimes i dont feel like watching movies but there are so many movies out there that i might as well do a search.  The reason i didnt feel like watching movies is probably because i was stuck in this dull mind state where nothing would be interesting, but when i open my eyes to look even further i easily find some good rewards.  This makes me happy.  I am happy that i have something new to do.

Self improtance of journal writing

Salutations my nomenclature is Edward.  i dont know what i want or what i want to do.  I am too impressionable.  Whenever I read David Lynch, or i observe him in interviews I feel like i start speaking in his specific tone of voice and I probably start sharing thoughts like him as well.  It causes my inner identity to question itself.  I need to learn who i really am. According to David Lynch transendental Meditation is the key.  I guess because you sit there inside your own self in quietness and very little of the outside world is afflicting you.  It would e helpful to know myself even better as to not loose myself in other peoples ways.  Yeah david lynch is a really true to himself kind of guy so i don't see why i just try and imitate him.  But i find that when i try and stop all the influences i just become stagnant and routine.  But i do feel like recently vie been getting a little more knowledge about who i am.  Yesterday at whim i through a tennis ball through a hole.  I feel like that was who i am.  I know i want to be a musician and i know i can make good music, but i have this problem with doing things it seems like i don't do anything at all.  I think it may be partly due to the retardations that happened when my mom died.  I think there was a time where i was so guilty with who i was that i just became afraid of everything and afraid of myself.  I began to hate everything and then it became obvious on my face.  My aura was hateful and malicious and thepeople could sence it and they would react to it.  ThIts such a weird world out there but its worthy of closer inspection than to ust look past it to the next thing which is probably momentary satisfaction.  I need to stop moving and then get into something.  I don't need to be afraid anymore.  Its kind of what caused me to move so fast all the time.  I don't spend quality time doing anything because im always looking for the next thing.  I bethink that spending quality time is important because its building off something and its advancing but if you move around to fast and never settle on anything then your only good for nothing at all really.  I want quality.  I want to stop the whole thing and all the cares and seit in the lab.  I want to tart gong back from wanting all these bass things.  I want basic things.  Right now i want food.  I want to feel good.  I don't want this feeling of wasting the entire day writing this in front of the laptop when theirs aa world of mystery going on out there. BUt theres always a world of mystery and theres not always a time for meditation and for music.  Maybe ill try it and see if i like it.  I feel like i cant hold on to good things that i like because i am always moving to fast.  Maybe the fear is afflicting my ability to continue on thing.  I am slowly learning how to feel the purity in me and to  please the pure self.  It is long and i am slowly learning the feeling.  To please oneself.  I think i need to go out and explore but i need to explore in this stationary eniroment.  Usually  when id produce something good id probably be high which really doesn't make that big of a difference.  I can still write when im not high.  Ideas come there though.  It feels like i am predisposed to be able to work magic and have intense idea and amazing inspirational ways.  But i don't see them through to the fruit.  Im like a seed planter who just plants seeds and just goes on my way, but i don't plant them right and they sit there on the earth for months and months and sometimes years and years.  Ive got some seeds underground waiting for my sustenance for years in the making.   I actually started planting one seed called pioneers of the night.  But its still growing.  And i think im learning how to nurture these seeds better.   Its not quite returned to death and it actually has sprouted a little and actually the whole vision can be realized and i don't thnk its time that needs it to grow but when i do spend some time away i come back with freshness.  That seed in itself was planted maybe a year ago and its finally seen the light of day.  But i need to water it and i need to nurture it or it may stunt its own growth but today i think im gonna water that seed.  And i hope that in the process i learn how to better care for my seeds.  Ive got an uncountable amount of seed that is just great ideas in my opine and extremely satisfying. Im at a decent place to start i mean vie got my physical body at a point where it isn't depredated and stressed out.  And my mind is in an ok place too.  I just very sensitive and i think that causes me to leave the seed there.  Also an idea that i have is that this part of my life, being considerably young  is the ripest time for good seed.  But apparently seed can be found all througought life according to david lynch.  I need to spend some more time writing im gonna keep a journal and write each day.  I find that is it is indeed gratifying and it indeed helps me stay on a set path instead of feeling aloof all day in the wilderness.  I don't ever have to read it again but it seems that writing is the trick to help me learn who i am.  Haha isn't that funny.  Well i think that this might be my form of self understanding it may be a small form of idea hunting but i find that the seed hunting comes from my everyday rando.  I might try and go within and see how that works as a matter of fact i might do it right now i guess theres no time like the present and i say i want to try new things so here i go for David lynchs trancendental meditation.  I think that after everything i do i should write something here on the journal just so that i can get a better perspective on it my inner soul isnt as sad there is a difference between once inner voice and the voice i use in the world.  I want to learn my inner voice better so that i can learn to differentiate because i think i have about a thousand different style i use uknowingly.  But my inner voice must gain volume because the problems i think im having are because the inner voice isnt perfected and sharpened and honed down.  It tates a amsasters sensibility to find it and recognize the nner real pure voice and to to continue to focus on it and beat the muscle into fitness.  At this point my inner voice is saying, "Im anxious to get to work. I need to continue to hone my pure form because purity and without guilt is a goal of mine.  I dont tend to look back on this kind of off the cuff writing because it reflects my racing self.  There is little quality in it to look back on really.    I know the lesson i need to ecercise the ability of producing quality.  Each word should be quality. That will also help me.  If I hope to learn quality then I should practice making, excercising, the feeling of quality.  Quality Quality Quality Quality Quality.  Q is the 16th letter  I just now looked at each word as with a quality outlook and it even greater excercises the feeling of quality.  I hope these blogs will be shorter in composition and contain more quality.  I attempted to rewrite this with a ifferent vantage point but it was boring i guess thats what editing is for and i really have to pick and choose what you want to spend time editing. Which isnt always super boring but can be done in a fast way.  It doesnt have to be rewritten it can be edited to a presentable level of quality.  Some of it can be rewritten to increase quality but like it should be done with a sensibility and care that you reserve for greater projects with more gain.  Music is similiar in that many pieces of work begin as sloppy and beutiful and imperfect and off the cuff but then must be edited to bring out its true quality.