Salutations my nomenclature is Edward. i dont know what i want or what i want to do. I am too impressionable. Whenever I read David Lynch, or i observe him in interviews I feel like i start speaking in his specific tone of voice and I probably start sharing thoughts like him as well. It causes my inner identity to question itself. I need to learn who i really am. According to David Lynch transendental Meditation is the key. I guess because you sit there inside your own self in quietness and very little of the outside world is afflicting you. It would e helpful to know myself even better as to not loose myself in other peoples ways. Yeah david lynch is a really true to himself kind of guy so i don't see why i just try and imitate him. But i find that when i try and stop all the influences i just become stagnant and routine. But i do feel like recently vie been getting a little more knowledge about who i am. Yesterday at whim i through a tennis ball through a hole. I feel like that was who i am. I know i want to be a musician and i know i can make good music, but i have this problem with doing things it seems like i don't do anything at all. I think it may be partly due to the retardations that happened when my mom died. I think there was a time where i was so guilty with who i was that i just became afraid of everything and afraid of myself. I began to hate everything and then it became obvious on my face. My aura was hateful and malicious and thepeople could sence it and they would react to it. ThIts such a weird world out there but its worthy of closer inspection than to ust look past it to the next thing which is probably momentary satisfaction. I need to stop moving and then get into something. I don't need to be afraid anymore. Its kind of what caused me to move so fast all the time. I don't spend quality time doing anything because im always looking for the next thing. I bethink that spending quality time is important because its building off something and its advancing but if you move around to fast and never settle on anything then your only good for nothing at all really. I want quality. I want to stop the whole thing and all the cares and seit in the lab. I want to tart gong back from wanting all these bass things. I want basic things. Right now i want food. I want to feel good. I don't want this feeling of wasting the entire day writing this in front of the laptop when theirs aa world of mystery going on out there. BUt theres always a world of mystery and theres not always a time for meditation and for music. Maybe ill try it and see if i like it. I feel like i cant hold on to good things that i like because i am always moving to fast. Maybe the fear is afflicting my ability to continue on thing. I am slowly learning how to feel the purity in me and to please the pure self. It is long and i am slowly learning the feeling. To please oneself. I think i need to go out and explore but i need to explore in this stationary eniroment. Usually when id produce something good id probably be high which really doesn't make that big of a difference. I can still write when im not high. Ideas come there though. It feels like i am predisposed to be able to work magic and have intense idea and amazing inspirational ways. But i don't see them through to the fruit. Im like a seed planter who just plants seeds and just goes on my way, but i don't plant them right and they sit there on the earth for months and months and sometimes years and years. Ive got some seeds underground waiting for my sustenance for years in the making. I actually started planting one seed called pioneers of the night. But its still growing. And i think im learning how to nurture these seeds better. Its not quite returned to death and it actually has sprouted a little and actually the whole vision can be realized and i don't thnk its time that needs it to grow but when i do spend some time away i come back with freshness. That seed in itself was planted maybe a year ago and its finally seen the light of day. But i need to water it and i need to nurture it or it may stunt its own growth but today i think im gonna water that seed. And i hope that in the process i learn how to better care for my seeds. Ive got an uncountable amount of seed that is just great ideas in my opine and extremely satisfying. Im at a decent place to start i mean vie got my physical body at a point where it isn't depredated and stressed out. And my mind is in an ok place too. I just very sensitive and i think that causes me to leave the seed there. Also an idea that i have is that this part of my life, being considerably young is the ripest time for good seed. But apparently seed can be found all througought life according to david lynch. I need to spend some more time writing im gonna keep a journal and write each day. I find that is it is indeed gratifying and it indeed helps me stay on a set path instead of feeling aloof all day in the wilderness. I don't ever have to read it again but it seems that writing is the trick to help me learn who i am. Haha isn't that funny. Well i think that this might be my form of self understanding it may be a small form of idea hunting but i find that the seed hunting comes from my everyday rando. I might try and go within and see how that works as a matter of fact i might do it right now i guess theres no time like the present and i say i want to try new things so here i go for David lynchs trancendental meditation. I think that after everything i do i should write something here on the journal just so that i can get a better perspective on it my inner soul isnt as sad there is a difference between once inner voice and the voice i use in the world. I want to learn my inner voice better so that i can learn to differentiate because i think i have about a thousand different style i use uknowingly. But my inner voice must gain volume because the problems i think im having are because the inner voice isnt perfected and sharpened and honed down. It tates a amsasters sensibility to find it and recognize the nner real pure voice and to to continue to focus on it and beat the muscle into fitness. At this point my inner voice is saying, "Im anxious to get to work. I need to continue to hone my pure form because purity and without guilt is a goal of mine. I dont tend to look back on this kind of off the cuff writing because it reflects my racing self. There is little quality in it to look back on really. I know the lesson i need to ecercise the ability of producing quality. Each word should be quality. That will also help me. If I hope to learn quality then I should practice making, excercising, the feeling of quality. Quality Quality Quality Quality Quality. Q is the 16th letter I just now looked at each word as with a quality outlook and it even greater excercises the feeling of quality. I hope these blogs will be shorter in composition and contain more quality. I attempted to rewrite this with a ifferent vantage point but it was boring i guess thats what editing is for and i really have to pick and choose what you want to spend time editing. Which isnt always super boring but can be done in a fast way. It doesnt have to be rewritten it can be edited to a presentable level of quality. Some of it can be rewritten to increase quality but like it should be done with a sensibility and care that you reserve for greater projects with more gain. Music is similiar in that many pieces of work begin as sloppy and beutiful and imperfect and off the cuff but then must be edited to bring out its true quality.
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